Crap umbrella? Ffs....
Oh Rihanna. You may have waxed lyrical about standing 'neath your famous umbrella, but for 99% of normal people living in the UK (with it's sometimes shoddy and climate), walking anywhere with an umbrella is pretty much a standard nightmare.
Wind blowing you arseways, puddles leaping up at you courtesy of aggressive cab drivers, and other umbrella users smacking into you without so much as a 'sorry mate' makes it's usage a bloody mission. Plus, what to do with the thing once you've reached your end point? It sits like a sodden nylon sausage, dripping all over your shoes and just ruining one's day.
But, come on. We need you umbrellas. As much as you seem to hate us, vindictively blowing inside-out and dragging us into the path of an oncoming bus, we acknowledge that you serve us Brits well.
Here are the 9 things you'll only know if you put your faith in an umbrella, ella, ella, eh...
1. The battering ram
It's always the small unassuming ones that do the most damage with an umbrella. You know the type. They come barging towards you like they are charging Winterfell, yellow-spotted umbrella aloft like some jaunty harbinger of doom. Suddenly, you've been muscled off the curb and Miss Umbrella Stormtrooper has stomped on. Rude.
2. The awks resheathing
That moment when you try and twist the cover back on... and everyone in the office is watching. Then someone in IT shouts over that it's 'all in the wrist'. Mortifying.
3. The height dance
*sigh* The negotiation of a packed pavement when everyone is different heights. 'Oop, sorry, sorry there, sorry, sorry.' Up, down, up, down. It's like a million people drunkenly dancing to YMCA at a wedding, except it's raining and NO ONE is smiling.
4. The two feet gap
Trying to see out from underneath the umbrella when the wind has bent you into a 90-degree angle. All you can do is trust your feet...
Don't you just love watching people trying to bring an umbrella back from the brink? Once it starts to go, the game is over guys. And no amount of coaxing/swearing/shaking fists will turn these fortunes around.
6. The umbrella face
Honestly, ever really looked at someone in the zone with their umbrella. It's like an unholy grimace only assumed by those worthy of wielding one. It's like their scowl is saying 'get out of my way peasant...'
7. The golf umbrellas
What is it with guys lording all over the place with their MASSIVE golf umbrellas? One false move at the bus stop and your head gets taken off. No need lads. No need.
Do you even play golf?!
8. The pinch
When you get your finger caught in the thingy-me-bobber catch thing. It's like no pain you've ever experienced.
9. And finally, the sucker punch
That button which (sometimes violently) shoots the umbrella heavenward? When it kind of sticks and you end up umbrella jabbing some unsuspecting person outside the shop. You make that weird 'sorry' shrug then scuttle off fighting the losing battle, cursing said umbrella and the horse it rode in on...
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