Bride Wars, the most pass-agg film of all time
A ‘K’ instead of an ‘of course’
This is the texting equivalent of sticking up your middle finger. ‘K’ is not an ‘OK’. It’s a one-letter symbol of ‘please piss off’.
You: Can you pick up some loo roll on your way home? :)
You: Sorry I completely forgot to! X
Housemate: K. No problem
What they actually mean…
I got it last time. You always use the last of it and never replace it. It is a problem. I’m totally buying the cheapest I can find.
‘Yup’ instead of ‘Yep’
‘Yep’ is warm, casual and positive. A ‘Yup’ is 100 per cent not a ‘Yep’. ‘Yup’ is a ‘OK, but you’ve pissed me off’. ‘Yup’ is a rolling of the eyes, an exasperated sigh.
You: Can you pick up some coriander, I’m making a curry. X
Boyfriend: Hey! George got promoted. Going for a couple of pints with the lads. That OK? X
Boyfriend: He’s so happy! Leave me some leftovers though, OK? :)
What you actually mean?
Why didn’t you tell me earlier. No I won’t leave you some f**king leftovers you greedy pig. We’re definitely not having sex tonight.
A full stop instead of an exclamation mark
Exclamation marks are fun! They’re friendly! They’re lively! Full stops are not. Full stops are serious. Full stops mean you’ve totally f**ked up.
You: Sorry, I haven’t managed to finish the presentation yet! Can I send it over tomorrow instead?
You: I’m so sorry. My computer crashed so I’ve had to start again!
Colleague: Fine. [CCs the boss]
You: Thanks, I’ll send it to you first thing, I promise!
Colleague: Fine. See you then.
What they actually mean?
It’s not OK. That’s a crap excuse. I’m CCing the boss so they know it’s your fault, not mine.
Orders masked as questions…
It’s got a ‘?’ but it’s definitely not a ‘?’. It’s a reminder you haven’t done something. Again. Get it?
Chief Hen: Hi. Have you booked the cocktail-making class? Or would you like me to do it?
You: Sorry, I’ve been swamped with work. I’ll do it at the weekend.
Chief Hen: I’m worried it’s going to be sold out. Shall I book it tonight?
You: Ah OK, I’m out tonight but can do it first thing tomorrow. X
Chief Hen: I’ll do it. Did you not have time to book the bus too? Do you want me to do it too?
What she actually means?
It’s two phone calls you have to make. And you can’t even manage that. Thanks for nothing.