Hate the gym? We are so with Adele and her exercise face. Going to the gym isn’t fun at any time of year but in January it just plain hurts.
If you’ve switched your cashmere two-piece for Lycra for the first time in months, or, well, 11.5 months to be precise, you’re not alone in fitness phobics club.
Here are the 9 reasons we dislike the gym in January…
1. THE EQUIPMENT QUEUE
Standing in a line for Balmain x H&M, yes. But we have to question our life when we're queueing up to use an actual cross-trainer machine.
2. THE BODY/KIT/HAIR ENVY
There will always be that flawless person in top-to-toe Lululemon kit and just-so top knot. With a bottom that defies gravity. Oh, and clearly hasn’t been ODing on the cheese board for two weeks… We definitely don’t look like this after 16-and-a-half sit-ups...
3. THE CLASS FEAR
You didn’t get the memo on all the weird moves in the new 2016 fitness class. But everyone else did. Solution: stand at the back and hide behind a boxing punch bag until the music stops.
4. THE SWEATY FACE
Sadly we look nothing like Miranda Kerr when we perspire. The elusive Supermodel Sweat is a very rare thing. Our sweat makes our face shiny and hair stringy – and not in a Kate Moss 90s grunge kinda way.
5. THE SHOWER SITU
Speaking of sweat aftermath. The gym champions communal showers and we are not okay with that. And let’s not even go there when you forget your favourite shampoo and conditioner and have to use the one-fits-all body and hair gel. Disaster.
6. THE BOOMING MUSIC
Our head hurts. Why is it so loud? Can we go back to listening to The Pogues on the sofa now please with our dogs/cats/fried chicken a la Chrissy Teigen?
7. THE EQUIPMENT DOOM
There are weird rope things and scary clanging sounds that wouldn’t be out of place in a dungeon. Surely there should be an instruction manual for each machine, as well as an ambulance on standby?
8. THE BELATED PAIN
We went to the gym TWO days ago, felt fine, and now we have woken up with aches in places we didn’t even know existed – and we STILL don’t have Ellie Goulding-esque muscle definition.
9. THE HUNGER PANGS
Post-exercise we want to eat. The. World. After a tough workout we reward ourselves with a double (read: triple) helping and a bottle of wine, entirely defeating the object of previous calorie burning at the gym. Baby steps...