Bad Tinder dates. We've all been there.
Unfortunately, us millenials have had it a bit rough in the old dating department of late. Multiple apps that use all your data? Dodgy selfies with tigers/snowboards/ex-wives? Random sexts from a guy called Richie who lives with his mum in Croydon? It's a ruddy minefield out there kids, and it ain't getting any better.
And, after all the swipes and the *wink wink* WhatsApp chats, then (and only then) comes the first date. And you know, it's going to be great this time. THIS is the one.
But nothing prepares you for that awful icky-thump in your tummy when the '6ft independent movie director' you've arranged to meet at Waterloo turns out to be a self-employed YouTuber who likes to re-enact scenes from Star Wars using root vegetables...
He can't make eye contact. You've started awkwardly babbling about Game of Thrones. It's all going horribly, horribly wrong. A bottle of wine is ordered. The only way to survive this is to get royally sozzled. He tries to plant a smacker on your lips but misses your face completely. The night ends with a drunken high-five and a 2am McDonald's.
Awful. Just, awful.
If this sounds like you, don't worry. You aren't alone.
When a Tinder date is SO bogus, a little white lie is the only way to avoid the hideousness.
Here are some of the best ways to get out of a bad Tinder date (as if we need to tell you...)
1. Use the housemates
Sure, 99% of the time your housemates bug the bejesus out of you , but damn do they come in handy on a whack Tinder date. Observe:
You (looking at your phone and feigning surprise): 'Oh no.'
Awful date: 'What's up?'
You: 'My housemate is locked out.'
(Now, lay it on thick)
You: 'She's got a job interview tomorrow. I'm sorry, I'm going to have to go.'
There's no comeback to that. Ta-da! Off you pop.
2. Start talking about your ex
Always a classic. This can go one of two ways. Either, start talking whistfully about what a perfect specimen of masculinity the ex was, or else get really animated about him being an absolute lying, selfish a**hole. You'll be outta there in roughly half an hour tops.
3. Text a mate
As a precautionary measure, always pick a date spot that is near to where your BFF lives. If things are going totally Pete Tong, dash to the loo, text your mate and get them to casually swing by...and join the date.
Talk loudly about all the times you got trashed and set fire to stuff when you were at uni.
That date is officially over.
'Oh, no. I have to go. My cat has the flu.' Sound familiar?
That deadline you forgot about. Remember?
Hey, Mother Nature doesn't throw us any favours ladies. Use this one to your advantage. As soon as you drop the 'P' bomb (don't be crass and declare it - a subtle whisper will suffice), it's game over. Sorry lads. It's one of the only times we can use it to our advantage. Unfair, but necessary.
7. House disaster
Ahem... 'Oh no, I'm going to have to go. The washing machine has flooded the kitchen.'
8. Start talking about your frog collection
'I collect frogs. All kinds of frogs. Fluffy ones. Ones you can put in the garden. Frog pencils...'
You get the gist.
9. Mention that you also only date boys with a 10 year life plan
Yep, that Tinder date will be on the scarper before you've even said the word 'marriage'.
10. Go, somewhere with a dance floor
If it's going hopelessly wrong, request some James Blunt then ask him to slow dance with you. Watch him run a mile...
11. Take him somewhere that has a Tinder policy
No really these places exist.
Keep the faith singletons *fist pump*