I can't remember ever not being completely flat chested. We're talking a solid 34A (32B when I'm feeling optimistic). So flat in fact, that a good male friend of mine once commented on my chest looking bigger only to follow with, 'Maybe you're on your period', so unconvinced was he that I could actually be the proud owner of boobs rather than glorified nipples.
Yes, there are loads of reasons why a smaller chest is great, but lets face it, the #smallboobproblems tend to outweigh them. They may say 'All you need is a handful' but for all my fellow flat chested ladies out there, here's a few reasons why a boost of the bust wouldn't go a miss…
1. School is sort of a nightmare.
When Becky with the big boobs (and good hair) is rocking double Ds and even her mum is confused as to where yours have scampered off to because they're certainly not under that Bagpuss t shirt, it's pretty hard to act cool about being flat chested. Oh and you're 12. And the boys in your class have made a chart to rank all the boobs in the year and you got awarded a 2/10 which you were actually grateful for.
Let's not even talk about the time my DIY bra padding (a cotton wool-filled trainer sock FYI) miraculously appeared next to me on the school field. Let's just say I've never lied quite so stoically since. The. Worst
2. No bras fit.
Every trying on sesh is yet another blow to the boob self esteem with cavernous padded bras piling up in the corner in an ever decreasing cup size. Will there ever be a bra small enough?? No. The answer is no. That's why I've taken to wearing glorified pocket squares instead. Shout out to Topshop and &OtherStories for supporting the addiction, appreciate.
3. The elusive cleavage.
Genuinely, it's on my bucket list. I don't know how or when but one day (most likely post giving birth to at least three children) I'm determined to acquire at least a hint of cleavage. Because frankly, with the current gap between my boobs you'd think they'd fallen out Solange and Jay Z style.
Short of a mechanical crank or constantly squeezing my boobs together, it's just not happening. It takes me back to that delightful time I went bra shopping with my well meaning friend, an ex-BHS bra fitter no less, who resolved to give me the gift of cleavage. Alas, for her best efforts (a cross dressing-worthy bra included) she couldn't make the dream happen.
4. The cave.
Anyone who's ever worn a moulded bra that fits when you're face on but side on leaves your entire boob exposed to prying eyes will know The Cave all too well. Somehow, against all the odds, these bras will make your boobs look even smaller than you previously imagined - a sad boob cowering in the corner of the cave that is your bra. Avoid at all costs.
5. You will forever be out of proportion.
When you take a glance down and realise your stomach sticks out way further than your chest, it's not exactly an ego booster. My top half is a pleasing size 8 thanks to my lack of boobage. My bottom half? I like to think of it as a size 13. Not exactly Karlie Kloss-worthy proportions.
Holla to all y'all pear shaped women out there, I feel your pain. Could I lose weight to even out the hourglass? Well yes, I could. In fact, after travelling for 3 months around Asia and eating less dairy than my diet has ever experienced, I did. And you know what went down with my waist size? Yup, you guessed it, my cup size. Nature hates me. Fact. Which leads me to my next point…
6. Buying bikinis in sets is a big no no.
Seriously, who is the same exact size on top and bottom? How could I possibly buy a size 8 bikini that would fit my lack of chest and my Bridget Jones esque bottom? It might just be the unicorn of body types to fit straight into an off the rack bikini. If you're out there unicorns, consider yourself #blessed.
7. More nipple than boob.
You might think small boobs are super edgy and cool and why aren't we grateful for being able to rock a 90s slip dress without wearing a bra? Well, when your nipple makes up more than 50% of your entire boob, the peanut smuggler look isn't so hot. Turn to the side and there's nothing but two jelly tots feeling particularly chilly holding up that slinky cami. Not hot.