Oh John Lewis. You emotionally manipulative devils you. Every year we get prepared to watch your hugely anticipated Christmas ad and sneer about it with our clever friends on social media.
And every year we find ourselves secretly sobbing over our laptop at a CGI penguin or the epic journey of a snowman somewhat inexplicably managing to cross a motorway unaided. We have to hand it to you – when it comes to making people cry – you really have this stuff nailed (in fact remind us never to get into a relationship with you).
So wouldn’t it be beyond genius, if just for one year John Lewis decided to show the ugly side of Christmas? The one that really makes us cry?
Here, just to get them started – are 5 things that happen at Christmas we don’t see enough of in the legendary John Lewis ads…
1. Someone will dig out an old battered version of Trivial Pursuit smelling slightly of damp from the coat cupboard. You will then ask each other General Knowledge Questions based largely on the events of 1982. (NB – Terry Venables is the answer to at least 64% of the orange questions). There will be an argument about whether leaving a ‘The’ off a film title is acceptable due to it ‘being a pie question’ . And at some point someone will storm out and say ‘forget about it! ’ in a tone of voice that suggests they are very far from forgetting about it and will in fact carry a family threatening grudge for at least 4 years.
2. Your mother will wear a manic grin and a paper hat all day but do not let that fool you. Inside she will be a seething mass of suppressed rage having been up since 6am to do the ‘sodding turkey’ ( the turker fyi will never be mentioned on December 25th without some sort of profanity before it). She will do a wonderful job of concealing her anger most of the day except when you ask her if she needs any help at which point she will ask, ‘No, no I’m FINE!! ABSOLUTELY FINE!’
3. A dog or cat will attempt to dismantle the tree at some point causing everyone to yell at it. In response it will stare at you all with giant sad Japanese Manga comic eyes that will make you feel like the worst people in the world. Which you probably are right now you are. You just yelled at something that chases its own tail.
4. You will be reduced to eating the Quality Streets that nobody likes by 6pm - the green triangles of doom, the chocolate toffee finger of hell, and yes even the soul sapping toffee penny. At some point you will excitedly encounter a purple wrapper – upon realising it is empty you resolve that when you have your own house, no human being will ever want for purple ones again.
5. A sulky teenager will spend the entire day on social media and when chastised for doing so they will reluctantly put down their phone. After this noble act of sacrifice their contributions to the conversation will increase by no more than 0.03%. When they do talk it is to describe everything you do, say and wear as ‘random’, ‘awks’ and tragic’.
Over to you John Lewis.
Read more: everything you need to know about the John Lewis Christmas advert 2015...