As Facebook so kindly informed us (with a little sunbathing gif) it’s the first day of summer! Everyone crack open the Pimms, dust of the BBQ and pack away anything waterproof… If you’re not in England, otherwise don’t do any of those things because summer doesn’t really exist here sadly.
So, let’s all look out of the office windows through the streaming rain (taking inspo from Harry Potter and every 90s music video) and think of the issues with summer in England…
1. There isn’t one.
2. You’re at the mocking mercy of pre-scheduled social media posts that haven’t been updated since the torrential rain started.
3. An umbrella, an anorak and SPF are required in your bag at all times.
4. It’s totally legit to have a BBQ when it’s cold and grey because, y’know, it’s summer.
5. You smile at the clichés of English people only talking about the weather, and then end up talking about it approximately 86% of the time.
6. If you do your make-up on the bus, odds are everything but your SPF moisturiser will be rained off by the time you get to work.
7. People will talk obsessively about having an ‘Indian summer’ to console themselves about having not seen the sun since their last holiday.
8. We never have an Indian summer.
9. It’s impossible to know when to do your summer prep as there’s only about three bare leg weather days and they’re approximately a month apart.
10. Green space and pub gardens on that one sunny Saturday.
11. The scientific impossibility that it will be boiling and wet
12. Travelling anywhere underground (particularly on the Central lines) is like being in the burning fires of hell — only with more people and Evening Standards.
13. Where’s the incentive to get ‘beach ready’ when you’ll be swathed in fabric for the whole summer?
14. Anyone who spends a day at any sporting event (of which there is one zillion) gets a killer sunglasses tan.
15. You’ll probably burn on the first day you’re in the sun as your poor skin is so shocked.
16. It’s totally normal to have sun, rain, wind, hail and tropical heat all in one day.
17. You entertain the idea of leaving the house without a coat, and then don’t — ever.
18. Sandal season lasts for about two weeks, but we’ll by a few new pairs every year (jic).
19. Men are obsessed with getting their tops off and their un-sunned bods out at any opportunity.
20. If there’s any sun at all, there’s a 97% chance it will be on a Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday.
21. If it rains, there’s a 99% chance it will be on a Friday afternoon, Saturday or Sunday.
22. The forecast will almost certainly be wrong — especially if it predicts sun at a festival.
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