Dating an Indian woman? You might have seen Slumdog Millionaire and love a curry on a Friday night, but that doesn’t mean you understand the intricacies of just how much you’re expected to eat in an Indian home (spoiler, it’s a lot). Don’t be scared, we’re here to give you a heads up…
Think dating an Indian girl is all about bindis and Bollywood? Think again, my friend. You’re not just dating a single person, you’re now involved with an entire (extended) family. You will be thrown in at the deep end, but to help you keep afloat in the sea of ghee, we’ve got 21 key things you need to know before meeting the parents, and grandparents, and aunties, and cousins…
1. You’re not just dating a girl, you’re dating her entire, extended family. That’s over 100 people to learn the names of.
2. Cousins. Why are there so many cousins?!
3. Maybe it’s because there are so many aunties. Wait, what do you mean they’re not really your aunty?! Same goes for all the uncle-jis in our life – they’re just a random older relative.
4. Don’t question the weird nicknames. Yes, we all have at least one relative called Pinky, and what?
5. They all can speak fluent English, punctuated with Indian swear words...
6. But they won’t. Especially not if they’re talking about you. In front of you. You will be expected to learn Punjabi/ Hindi/ Gujarati within a week, ok?
7. If you’re offered food – TAKE IT. You will be expected to eat until you can no longer breathe.
8. The staples of an Indian diet are salt, oil and sugar, aka deep fried diabetes. Buy bigger trousers and prepare to pile on the gulab jamun pounds. Jalebi, anyone?
9. Looking for some butter to grease up your roti? Try the butter tub.
10. JUST KIDDING! That’s masala mix. Get a good whiff, did you?
11. Do you mind getting the ice cream tub too?
12. YOU FELL FOR IT AGAIN! Bandhar.
13. Indians also have a tendency to enjoy a whisky – or ten. Practice downing pints in preparation for meeting our Dads.
14. Part of the reason why we eat so much? If something’s free, we’re taking it. That goes for food, pens, hotel toiletries…
15. If we don’t like a gift you’ve given us, we’ll happily accept it (free, remember?), but it’s being saved in the present cupboard to give to someone else in two years time. Probably back to you.
16. Think it would be nice to settle down for a romantic Bollywood film? Get comfortable, ‘cause minimum running time is three hours.
17. No, Slumdog millionaire doesn’t count. Neither does Bend It Like Beckham, although our Dadi knows Gurinder Chada, and Sanjeev Bhaskar.
18. You better learn how to dance. See the moves they pull on screen? We’re not quite at that level, but practice screwing those lightbulbs before we teach you the ‘clap in a circle’ dance.
19. By the way, if watching all this Bollywood is making you want to come to an Indian wedding, pack for week.
20. …did we say a week? We meant a month. There will be over 400 guests as well.
21. All of whom will ask when we’re getting married.
Welcome to Asian families!
You're probably crushing on Priyanka Chopra too...