David Beckham has worn some weird stuff in his time (top-to-toe leather; kilts) and on Wednesday he was snapped wearing what looked like a pair of slippers as he arrived at LAX Airport in Los Angeles. These black leather mules - backless, since you ask - are not the kind of footwear we would want to see our other half rocking down at the pub. He'd get laughed at (mostly by you). But this is David Beckham, people! He would look good in absolutely anything! In fact, we think this is one of his hottest looks to date. But for those guys out there who aren't David Beckham (we feel for you, guys) here are a few pointers on footwear that we women find a little bit, well, icky.
1. Anything with a heel
Even women don’t wear heels that much anymore, so they definitely shouldn’t be seen on a man. Do you really want us to think Simon Cowell and Tom Cruise are your style icons? High-waisted boot cut jeans, anyone? No thanks. Honestly, we don’t care if you’re shorter than us. As long as you’re a good laugh and don’t leave the toilet seat up, we’re good.
2. Suede driving shoes with no socks
Don’t get us wrong; we like ‘mankles’, but this particular combo screams “I’ve just left my wife in search of a younger model. Oh, and by the way I also own a League One football club. And no, I don’t dye my hair. How dare you!”
3. Army boots with jeans tucked in
Guys, you’re not in Blue circa 2007…we didn’t even like this boy band look when it was current, but now it’s SOOO dated. It’s a little bit Mark Wright, a little bit Take Me Out contestant, and all very ‘I’m on the guest list at The Sugar Hut’.
4. Nineties-style tan square toed shoes
Often worn with a frayed jean at the weekend, sometimes teamed with an ill-fitting navy suit for a wedding, these babies belong to a man who says “how you diddlin’? Not three bad?” And yes, he will be called Stuart.
5. Cowboy boots
We’re unlikely to accompany a man to dinner if we’re worried that strangers will shout “yee-haw!” at him in the street or that he’s liable to break into a rendition of Billy Ray Cyrus’s Achey Breaky Heart at any given moment. It’s just so George W Bush on a visit to a Texan kindergarten: only to be worn by a man with a bloodhound and a pickup truck.
6. Tiny feet in trainers
Men: take a note. Some trainers make your feet look REALLY small, almost like little hooves. And we all know what they say about men with small feet. The worst offenders are the type worn by boy racers and burglars and frankly, we're looking for a man with a more inspiring career as well as better shoes.
7. Flip-flops in the city
Dude, we get it. You can SURF. You’re from, like, CORNWALL or something. You found The Social Network, like, SO inspiring, but you’re not fooling us. We know you don’t really work for a digital start-up on the Silicon Roundabout.
8. Tightly laced physics teacher trainers
There are two types of trainers: fashion trainers, and trainers that should only be worn in the gym. Never wear the latter in a social situation. You might think you’re sporting them in an ironic, Nathan Barley’s nephew kind of way, or perhaps you’re just currently top of the leaderboard in World Of Warcraft and the shoes are serious. Either way, everything you own in a box to the left…
9. Overtly “fashion” shoes
We’re always very suspicious of a man who’s trying to be more fashionable than we are. These Wannabe-Brands/Hinces/Mighty Booshes in their intentionally scuffed pewter winkle pickers, size 8 women’s skinny jeans and knock-off McQueen scarves fashioned into a cravat really don’t float our boat. Ugh.