Glastonbury is boring. It just is. Obviously not for the million trillion ‘festival-goers’ but for everyone else who has to put up with the run up, the constant coverage over the weekend of an unfathomable amount of people watching the headlines, the obligatory aerial campsite shots and people looking inexplicably jolly in spite being in trench foot conditions, and then the unacceptably long aftermath where it’s all over Snapchat and Facebook and Instagram and Twitter and Pinterest — in pictures, videos, statuses, friend requests. We get it, you went to Glastonbury.
Lucky for me, I went to Glastonbury too, so none of it is boring. I still want to be there, I’m still talking about it and I think will be until someone literally palms me in the face when I mention it.
If you’re still in that zone, here are some things that are also a-ok…
1. Talking about it 93% of the time (or basically all the time when you’re not talking about something Brexit-related).
2. Still looking not ok — even in a way you can’t quite put your finger on… Fuzzy hair, fuzzy edges — just a bit questionable.
3. Not being able to listen to Adele on the tiny walk from the bus stop to work without (almost) crying.
4. Expecting everyone to treat you sensitively — at work, on public transport, everywhere — and preferring instead to move around in a post-Glastonbury pack of weirdos.
5. Still having a questionably croaky voice (and don't even with the raspy old man laugh).
6. Eking out your skyscapes and ‘squad’ shots on Instagram for maximum likeage (read: social interaction).
7. Not being able to read a newspaper without crying — though that’s kind of understandable as it’s all fairly horrific.
8. Steering clear of any clothes that aren’t loungewear or jeans.
9. Finding glitter in your eyelashes, eyebrows and ears.
10. Not finding Coldplay that boring and even having a mild crush on Chris Martin.
11. 'Liking' anything and everything Glastonbury-related on the internet.
12. If you’re freelance, odds are you haven’t got out of bed before 1pm and you’re about three days behind everyone else in terms of recovery.
13. Missing it being ok to cover your tired eye bags with glitter.
14. Having wellies that are still 100% covered in mud, unless you’re lucky enough to have a balcony or garden in which case they’ll be 100% full of water. (Oh, how the other half lives.)
15. Being inexplicably grateful for the picture sharing Whatsapp group that's still pinging with messages about ‘welly wounds’ and ‘finding flares for next year’.
16. Considering tagging your gang in the 2017 Glastonbury event that’s doing the rounds on Facebook even though it's pretty basic.
17. Trying to remember what you ever wore before you went, even though it was only four days.
18. Having to make up an edgy answer when people ask your favourite performance so you don’t just be boring and say ‘Adele’, and then feeling so brain-dead that you just say Adele anyway.
19. Finding it acceptable to look like you’re actually still at the festival, just sans that sickly mud scent.
20. Inexplicably just not missing the valuables you lost Fagin-style in the mud... Just so worth it.
21. You still haven’t found strength to watch the highlights.
22. Being on social media constantly to make up for the gaping hole of constant social interaction.
23. Mulling over whether you could feasibly steer your life plan so you can be there all year round. (...Mr Eavis, will you marry me?)
How many are you experiencing? I reckon we have until about Sunday until we start getting de-friended on social media (and mid-next week, in real life).
(Disclaimer: None of this counts if you’ve gone on holiday.)