No one looks like this at Glastonbury. Fact.
Coachella 2016 is here again and yes, we don't mind admitting that together with the annual dose of Coachella envy (standard), we also find ourselves raising a quizzical eyebrow at the galling fact that Coachella isn't really like a real festival.
Sure, the likes of Kylie and Kendall Jenner are there leading the charge with their fabulous (and meticulously planned) Coachella outfits, styling it out in fringed shorts and neon hair colours, and sure, they look great only...well, those of us who happen to be battle-hardened festival goers are looking at them thinking 'um, how on earth do they pee in that without falling into the filth?'
And it's a very, very valid question.
You can’t imagine Taylor Swift getting tanked up on warm lager and falling asleep in the dance tent, wearing a fluffy rabbit onesie and a high vis vest? Course not. And does Rihanna queue the guts of an hour for a Pieminister? Wouldn't have thought so.
Here’s the 9 times that Coachella gave us unrealistic #festivalgoals...
1. The weather
We see all those bronzed bodies frolicking around in the Palm Springs sunshine and well, we get a bit carried away. Only thing is, a crochet bra isn't the warmest of garments to be rocking at 2am when you've lost your mates, and your tent, (and possibly your dignity) somewhere in a field in Somerset. In the rain.
2. The transport
Do the fair folks of Coachella know what it's like to cart two crates of cider, a tent and a catering-sized box of breakfast bars across five cow-pat littered fields? No. They get a car to ferry them to arena. Or maybe a chopper. They don't steal a shopping trolley, or simply sack off the air bed in favour of carrying more booze to the campsite.
3. The food
Apparently Kylie Jenner slums it at Coachella with a McDonald's Egg McMuffin. Babe, try wolfing down a tray of tasteless lukewarm noodles whilst legging it to the main stage in a freak thunderstorm, THEN talk to us about fast food.
4. The headgear
*sigh* all those pretty Coachella headdresses and jewels. Actuality? Your flower crown has ripped out chunks of your hair and the relentless rain has turned your garland into a disgusting pulpy mess. Zero sexy points.
5. The mates
Okay. The groups of friends that go to Coachella aren't normal people. Taylor Swift's 'family'? Come on. In reality you've hopped a ride to Glastonbury with your brother's mates only to be left minding his BFF who's gotten food poisoning off a dodgy hog roast. Or better still, you've shared a box of wine with that whopper girl from the next campsite over, and she's let you sit in her poncho. Happy days.
6. The mobile phone issue
Sorry Kylie, we don't mean to be banging on, but the selfies. Maybe at Coachella you've got some fancy charging area, or else you just go back to your swanky hotel room and give that iPhone some juice - but real festival goers know that your battery doesn't allow for such flagrant use of mobile phone power. What little battery you have left you save so you aren't left in the position as this poor soul below. Yep, you can't find your mates and your phone is on its arse. True story.
7. The make-up
Of course glitter is a good idea when you've got beautiful weather conditions a la Coachella. Trying to nail the same look in apocalyptic rain just doesn't work.
8. The fashion
Every festival girl worth her salt knows that in theory, fringed garments are cult festival attire. We've coveted Vanessa Hudgens' and Kendall's Coachella looks from afar - we may have even tried to rock a pair of fringed shorts. Fast forward to a dark portaloo, trying to negotiate a good squatting position without dropping the fringes into the overflowing bowl. It's just not worth it ladies...
9. The parties
A beach party at a festival. Hmm. Coachella makes it look so easy. Best us normal festival folks can hope for is an impromtu dance party outside the all-night tea van. But hey, who doesn't want to hear some choice happy hardcore at 6 o'clock in the morning whilst cradling a styrofoam cup of scalding hot tea? Take THAT Coachella!