Hands down, Amy Schumer is our favourite person of 2015. So, obviously we backed her winning the Hollywood Comedy at the Hollywood Film Awards.
Not only was it totally deserved for her feature Trainwreck, which she made with Judd Apatow, but her acceptance speeches are ALWAYS great.
Turns out Amy's new fame hasn't been as jolly as it looked. During Act In Paris, a comedy show at the Sierra Club, she quipped as a 'newly famous' person, 'it turns out [to be] not fun.'
She also said the funniest thing about that paparazzi jet ski picture, of her with Jennifer Lawrence: 'I didn’t even recognize myself. I was like, ‘Oh, Alfred Hitchcock is alive and enjoys watersports.''
In fact, every time Amy opens her mouth, it’s pretty darned hilarious, inspiring, or both, so we’ve decided to round up her best quotes – ever.
1. 'It’s great to be here on this set of a Bollywood musical. Girls of my size don’t usually get to work on those sets and it’s an honour' - on the set at the Beverly Hilton Hotel
2. ‘You know what? I’m going to be confident and I’m going to live to my potential and be really proud of my work and not fit into the mould that is so dated that we’ve been supposed to fit in the whole time’
3. 'I’m also a sister and a daughter and a friend and an activist and a feminist, and a f***ing bada**. You can be all of those things.'
4. ‘Now I feel strong and beautiful. I walk proudly down the streets of Manhattan. The people I love, love me. I make the funniest people in the country laugh, and they are my friends. I am a great friend and an even better sister. I have fought my way through harsh criticism and death threats for speaking my mind. I am alive, like the strong women in this room before me.’
5. I wrote an article for Men’s Health and was so proud, until I saw instead of using my photo, they used one of a 16-year-old model wearing a clown nose, to show that she’s hilarious. But those are my words. What about who I am, and what I have to say? I can be reduced to that lost college freshman so quickly sometimes, I want to quit. Not performing, but being a woman altogether. I want to throw my hands in the air, after reading a mean Twitter comment, and say, ‘All right! You got it. You figured me out. I’m not pretty. I’m not thin. I do not deserve to use my voice…. All my self-worth is based on what you can see.’ But then I think, Fuck that.’
6. ‘I'm so in love with my boyfriend right now. Everything is perfect, but we want totally different things in bed. Like, he's always turning the lights on, you know what I'm saying? And I shut them off, and he turns them on, and the other day, he's like, 'Amy, why are you so shy? You know, you have a beautiful body.' I was like, 'Oh my god, you're so cute. You think I don't want you to see me?'’
7. ‘I usually feel pretty good about myself. I know what I look like. You’d bang me, but you wouldn’t blog about it. You won’t be Twittering ‘You won’t believe who I’m inside.’ It’s fine.’
8. ‘I’m probably, like, 160 pounds right now, and I can catch a d**k whenever I want. It’s the truth. It’s not a problem.’
9. ‘It took me 90 minutes to look this mediocre. 90 minutes!’
10. ‘I think falling is the funniest thing and so I just took a dive right in front of them and pretended like I fell. [Kanye] did not crack a smile at any point... and there’s no way either of them had any idea who I am’ – on her Kimye fall at the Time 100 Gala.
11. ‘I like to be draped in sweatpants.’
12. ‘The moments that make life worth living are when things are at their worst and you find a way to laugh.’
13. ‘I say if I’m beautiful. I say if I’m strong. You will not determine my story – I will.’
14. ‘I will speak and share and f*ck and love and I will never apologize to the frightened millions who resent that they never had it in them to do it. I stand here and I am amazing, for you. Not because of you. I am not who I sleep with. I am not my weight. I am not my mother. I am myself. And I am all of you, and I thank you.’
15. ‘I feel very comfortable in my own skin. When someone makes jokes about me being heavy, it makes me mad. It’s not true. I’m right where I should be.’
16. ‘It’s work having a vagina. Guys don’t think that its work but it is. You think it shows up like that to the event? It doesn’t. Every night it’s like getting it ready for its first Quinceanera, believe me.’
17. ‘In every group of girlfriends, there’s that one who is the sluttiest. If you don’t have that friend, you’re that friend.’
18. ‘I get labeled a sex comic. But if a guy got up onstage and pulled his dick out, everybody would say, ‘He’s a thinker.'’
19. ‘Don’t feel bad for me. I think I’m, like, so pretty.’
20. ‘The girls I grew up with they're living normal, adult lives. So they call me now and they're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still react like, 'What are you going to do? I'll drive you, I guess.'’
21. ‘I finally just slept with my high school crush. But I swear; now he expects me to go to his graduation - like I know where I'm going to be in three years.’
22. ‘I just went through a break-up, actually. I'm not worried about meeting someone else or being lonely. I'm just worried about all the pictures. But my mom always told me, you know, ever since I was a little girl, 'Never put your face in them.'
23. ‘I have an excuse, actually, why I've been drinking so much. I haven't said this out loud yet - this is exciting - I'm drinking for two. Thank you, wow. I mean, just for now. Somebody's being evicted.’
24. ‘It says, 'It's safest to let them sleep alone, especially if you drink, use drugs or are overweight.' Yeah, I thought that was weird, too. But if you think about it, if you're drunk, stoned or really fat, in the middle of the night, that baby might look delicious. I've eaten weirder things.’
25. ‘I made out with a homeless guy by accident. I had no idea -- he was really tan, he had no shoes on. I just thought it was, like, his thang, you know? I was like, 'He's probably in a band.'’
26. ‘You have to pretend like you want to use a condom. I like to say something fun when I bring it up, but honest. I'll be like, 'You're going to want to wear this. I've had a busy month.'’
27. ‘All my friends are getting married. I guess I’m just at that age where people give up.’
28 ‘I went home with this French guy because he said something adorable like, ‘I have an apartment.'’
29. ‘We have to be a role model for these little girls. Because who do they have? All they have literally is the Kardashians. "A whole family who take the faces they were born with as a light suggestion? No! We used to have Khloe and Khloe was ours. Whenever there is a group of women you identify with one of them right? Like with Sex and The City, you were like I’m such a Samantha.’ "Khloe has lost half her body weight. Khloe has lost a Kendall. We have nothing. I want good role models!’
30. ‘Boxing is like stand-up. Getting hit in boxing really made me feel stronger as a stand-up, because it’s like having your worst fears happen to you. That gives you power, because you’re no longer scared of it happening anymore. You got hit, and it hurt, but you’re okay.’
31. You feel like such a dirty whore buying Plan B. It is so embarrassing because it’s over the counter but you have to ask your pharmacist, and they know what you want but they make you ask. They’re looking at me, I’m like, ‘You see where my eyeliner is just give it to me.'’
32. ‘I may sound like a megalomaniac, but I feel like I’m equipped to become a great, memorable comedian, if I keep working my ass off and staying at the pace I’m at, and I feel a responsibility to do that because of the women who have done it before me, and the ones who need to do it after me.’
33. ‘In New York I’m, like, a six – seven with all the padding. But in Miami, I was like a negative three. People were like, ‘What the fuck is that?’ Throwing up on their motorized wheelchairs. Children were crying. I was like, ‘Beyonce calls it jelly.’ They were like, ‘That’s cottage cheese, bitch. Do some lunges.'’
34. ‘I just say what I think is the funniest thing I could say. I’m not trying to make headlines. I’m just trying to say the stuff that I think is funny and will make people laugh.’
35. ‘I think of myself as a fairly attractive girl and always have, thanks to my mom. I was brought into this world thinking I was gorgeous because my mother was extremely devoted to this notion.’
36. ‘Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I’ve never woken up and been like, ‘What is this Pilates mat doing out?'’
37. ‘I am a woman with thoughts and questions and shit to say.’
38. ‘My comedy is unapologetic and fearless. Like, sometimes you’ll wind up having condomless sex with someone that you probably shouldn’t. I’m interested in sharing that part of myself unapologetically so that other people will hopefully feel better.'
39. ‘I am a hot-blooded fire and I am fearless.’
40. ‘It’s been a life-altering year. But I guess every year for everyone is a life-altering year.’
41. ‘[After arriving at college] “All of a sudden, being witty and charismatic didn’t mean shit. Day after day, I could feel the confidence drain from my body. I was not what these guys wanted. They wanted thinner, blonder, dumber … My sassy one-liners were only working on the cafeteria employees, who I was visiting all too frequently, tacking on not the Freshman 15, but the 30, in record-breaking time, which led my mother to make comments over winter break like, ‘You look healthy!’ I was getting no male attention, and I’m embarrassed to say, it was killing me.’
Watch this space for more Amy Schumerisms.