They’re the four worst words you can hear in a relationship - ‘we need to talk’. So imagine hearing the words, ‘we need to talk and incidentally you’ll need to fly out several thousand miles to Australia to hear the bad news as I’m currently touring with One Direction’.
When the news came out this week that Louis Tomlinson from One Direction had split with his girlfriend of 4 years, Eleanor Calder, every woman in the world wanted to go round to hers, pour her a large glass of Prosecco, and play Survivor repeatedly on a loop. Getting dumped is never anyone’s finest moment and only wine, self help books and Beyonce are the cure. But getting dumped by one of the most famous pop stars in the world? Now that is a special kind of awful.
On the bright side, dating a member of One Direction brings with it a certain kind of celebrity in its own right - how many other 22 year old Manchester university graduates have 3.6 million followers on Twitter and get retweeted over 17 thousand times on the strength of tweets like, ‘ Domino’s, why have you stopped doing mozzarella dippers?’ So we’re willing her to pick herself up, dust down that Tom Ford red lipstick and realise that 3 and a half million people listening to your every word is no bad thing. Just look at Liam Payne’s ex, the dancer Danielle Peazer who has now carved out a very lucrative career tweeting and instagramming to millions as a fashion and beauty blogger.
Right now though Eleanor will be in that place just after a relationship break up, that we experts call the forensic room. “Why did he say that?’ ‘ What does that tweet even MEAN?’ ‘Was it because I put three kisses instead of two?’ So all of us at InStyle who have been dumped are here to help. Here are the 5 ways to keep it classy when you’re on the receiving end of the words ‘ it’s not you it’s me..’
1. Obey the Destinys Child commandments and don’t diss them on the internet. What seems Solange Knowles ‘ don’t mess with me’ at 2am after five glasses of Baileys will just be plain old fashioned psycho at 9am with a crashing hangover.
2. Don’t post a series of pointed inspirational quotes like ‘ if you can’t handle me at my worst than you sure don’t deserve me at my best’. It makes you look a bit I-will-cut-up-your-suits. And I know it’s humiliating that Martin from Ealing who you met on Tinder didn’t call you back – but he probably isn’t worthy of a spiritual quote from the Dalai Lama.
3. Don’t text. Don’t tweet. Don’t like instagram pictures. EVER. As a wise man once said, its called a break up cos it’s broken. And friendship is a country you don’t have a visa for yet. Whenever you’re tempted to send a cute little tweet, fast forward to the feeling of horror when he doesn’t reply. And then posts a sickeningly adorable picture of his new girlfriend. And you have to delete what will become known as the tweet of shame. It’s all getting a bit ‘moments away from a restraining order.’
4. If you see him out somewhere, recite the lyrics of Madonna’s Express to yourself like a mantra in your head (if you’re under 30 google them, they’re a life changer) but not out loud. Don’t ignore him ( needy) just offer an air kiss and say, ‘ SO lovely to see you! I’ve got so much to fill you in on, let me find my date and I’ll be back’. And make sure your date is George Lamb.
5. Obey the 60 day rule of no contact. Don’t return calls, or emails or ‘I miss you’ texts. Of COURSE he misses you, you’re like great? So let him miss you more. And if after the golden 60 days he realises what a mistake he’s made and wants you back? He’ll have to talk to your smoking hot new man about that.
Emily tweets over at @divine_miss_em