'33 sleeps until the big day!!!'

'33 sleeps until the big day!!!'

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1) You're OTT with the PDAs

I became briefly transfixed recently by a woman on Facebook whose new boyfriend went away skiing for a week and left her a surprise treasure hunt, with daily clues and treats to keep her occupied. Every day she shared the clue and the pictures of what he'd left (day 1 was a cupcake kit, day 2 a movie and some popcorn, day 3 some flowers) with a gushing 'I have the best boyfriend #blessed' commentary. It was so breathtakingly smug I thought it might actually be a spoof. 

'The boy done good' 

2) You're posting frequent political rants

That's what Twitter is for - and there's a reason Twitter has a 140 character limit, to stop old windbags like you from boring on for three paragraphs. A thoughtful article share with a few pithy comments? Totally fine. A long-winded moan about 'this government'? Save it for the Guardian comments section. 

3) You're counting down 'sleeps' to your wedding

One girl I know did a daily countdown of 'sleeps' (toddler talk for 'how many nights to go') for two entire months leading up to her wedding, that's sixty-two posts. If you're in your late twenties then there are probably about 50 other people in your timeline getting married this summer too. Imagine if everyone did that. Also - you're in your late twenties, stop using the term 'sleeps.' 

'5 sleeps to go yay!' 

4) You post pictures of every single nice dinner out 

Do that on Instagram or WineNDine - they love endless food pictures on there. 

5) You're oversharing the baby pics

Don't get me wrong here, I love seeing pictures of friends' babies on Facebook, especially since having one can mean it's tricky for those friends to get out of the house and introduce them in person. But we've all got that person in our timeline who behaves as if they're the very first person on the planet ever to have a baby and must share their magical discovery with 6 posts a day of the tiny bundle, whose full complement of expressions ranges from mildly startled Winston Churchill to fast asleep Winston Churchill. I get there's the 'you'll be like that when you have kids' argument, but then plenty of my friends with babies of their own seem to find it just as irksome as I do. NB: most of the over-sharers normally calm down after baby number 2. 

'My little miracle'

6) You change your profile picture every other day 

Calm down. 

7) You still use the emotion tool 

'Feeling confused' 'Feeling sad' 'Feeling annoyed' followed by an eye-clawingly dull diatribe on a parking fine / local council bin policy. 

8) You love being all cryptic

'Well at least now I know who my real friends are...' attention-seeking friend will post, prompting a series of 'are you OK hun?' responses. Either tell us all what's wrong or call the friend you still like to chat about it. 

9) You're an all-round over poster

If Facebook is a busy train carriage, you're the person who sits on one seat and puts all your bags on the three remaining ones. 

'Make sure you tag our location, baby'

10) You always check in at the Business Class Lounge 

Nothing wrong with the occasional 'OMG got an upgrade!' brag - what is Facebook for if not for the occasional brag - but the constant, casual 'checking in' thing is a bit naff isn't it. As my colleague Emily Dean points out 'they don't tag themselves at the STD clinic do they.'

11) You're always on holiday and want everyone to know

Everyone's got the friend who is literally always abroad. Unfortunately you know this because they also love over-posting pictures of every yacht / balcony / sunset / infinity pool / plate of linguine while there. 

'Wild times in Ibiza' 

Continued below...

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