Hey! You at the back! Shouldn't you be at home studying for your A-levels?
Not everyone likes Halloween, you know. Some of us find it annoying and expensive and frankly, can't wait for it to be November. So if you haven't been busy baking your own trick or treat cupcakes and you've not been invited to an AH-MAZING party where you reckon you're going to strike the perfect balance between sexy and scary, we feel you...we really do.
1. Pumpkin spiced lattes are gross. Even from the outside of the shop they smell disgusting.
2. Kids trick or treating isn’t cute. It’s annoying. And expensive. And then if they don’t show up you have to eat all the sweets yourself and get fat.
3. Teenagers trick or treating is plain scary. They’re just too big to not be threatening.
4. Women who insist on doing ‘sexy scary’ fancy dress - if you’re going to do Halloween, at least make the effort to lose the vanity look a bit gross.
5. Innocently going down the pub for a quiet pint means coming home covered in white face paint and fake blood.
6. You can’t be bothered to make much effort with your outfit and then you get to the party and two more people are dressed as the same thing, only better, so you get drunk and throw up all over it.
7. There’s nothing not scary on TV. And you get a bit scared watching Scooby Doo, so…
8. Even the not scary TV shows insist on doing an annoying Halloween themed episode.
9. Pumpkin carving. Way to make us feel totally uncreative, Instagram.
10. See also icing skills – no I DO NOT know how to make an edible slug to decorate the top of a cupcake.
11. Pumpkins aren’t even very nice. There’s a reason we don’t eat them all year round. They’re squishy and slimy and have too many seeds.
12. Pubs go overboard with the decorations and you spend the whole week running up to Halloween removing fake cobwebs from your hair.
13. Strangers think it’s OK to talk to you/shout at you/touch you with their fake claws in public.
14. You spend too much time on the internet feeling sorry for/laughing at animals in fancy dress.
15. Suddenly all cats look suspicious.
16. You don’t realise until it’s far too late that the catsuit that makes up part of your outfit is the most unflattering thing you have ever worn. So you get drunk and throw up all over it.
17. You realise that if it’s Halloween, it’s virtually Christmas, and soon you’re going to have to spend a load of money you don’t have.